EMPREG
by Samwise the Brave
Summary: Just my humorous view of the famous, general, ~MPREG~. A parody I guess. No lemon, but kiddies under 17 might start to believe mpreg exists.Includes an over emotional prince. Oh yes, swearing. Please R&R!!
1. 100 bottles of beer on the wall

Author: Hahaha...I currently have absolutely NO IDEA about HOW I'm gonna write the next chapters of SOUL but rest ASSured I am not going to 'abandon' it. Phew..now that's out..This is a humour fic where I make fun, it's my own parody of the famous ~MPREG~..  
  
*To those who have written any mpregs this fic is purely a parody and I'm not aiming at anyone of the fics or anyone's fics I have read at all. I'm sure many have read 'Anestel' right? Wow that one is nice..Kapeesh? Oh yes, just to let you know, I don't really care if the curses and cusses I wrote in are modern, but this is just humour.*  
  
When this, ~ appears, that means dear Legolas or anyone else for that matter is thinking to himself.  
Empreg   
*Groan*...Legolas was on his messed up bed, his hair was in a mess and his head which was also pounding, was hanging over the edge of his bed. He felt like barfing but he was too tired to move.  
It had been a month since the war of the Ring ended. The whole of Middle-Earth, though shaken, slowly and surely began to rebuild and everday people would rejoice. Even the elves were overjoyed, though many thought of them as a prim and proper kind, had they seen or visited the elves recently that image of them would be changed.  
The halls of Lord Thranduil were busy, people laughing and chatting merrily. The forests and grounds, filled with overjoyed people, children running and playing, adults in merry making. What is so strange about that? Well..it might not be strange in the day but when the sun sets...well let's just say things can get wild. Yep. Animals I tell ya!  
The day before-  
Thranduil 'tsked' and clicked dissaprovingly. Sure he was happy, but this was outrageous! Elves were making out, partying and shouting, happily of course, wine and alcohol on the ground!On the elves themselves! "Ada!!Help!!Eeeyaa!!" Legolas screeched as his friends siezed him and sprayed alcohol on him and messed up his hair. "Boys boys! Saes! Eh? Wait! Isn't that the rare wine I just bought?!!" He was going to try stop the drunk boys when his best friend put his arm on his shoulders and said, "Come on Thranduil!!Relax!!!!" as he took a swig from a bottle in his hand. Two hours later Thranduil found himself blushing pink, his arm on his best friend's shoulders and his friend's arm on his shoulders. Both found themselves barfing.   
  
"D...d..darrrrnn...y..yoooo!!!...Elroo....nn..d..."  
"D...d..darrrrnn...y..yoooo!!!..Th..thrrrrannnd..d..uil..."  
"F..fe...fuck yooo!!!!Ell...Elron...ned!!!!  
"F...feh..FUCK! yooooo!!!!!theh..therrrr...andueeell!!!"  
Legolas immediately regretted staying put on the bed because he soon threw up, and since he was on his back....well you know what happens.  
  
"Argghh!!Fuck!" he growled and a stream of elvish curses and cusses came fom his mouth as he went to wash his erm...dirty face. He took a quick shower, changed and looked at himself in the mirror. Eventhough he was having a hang-over, he thought to himself.   
  
"I am a SEXY BITCH!"  
OK. Since the night before was absolutely the worst the elves have ever behaved, today was still a merry day, but of course the elves decided to put their partying on hold. They reflected back and shuddered at the thought of them behaving like animals, and also, noone had gotten over their hang-overs.  
He walked down the corridors and heard something. The sounds were coming from a room in the corner. ~Why, isn't this a guest room?~  
He pressed his elven ear onto the door. Well, he's a damn elf! Of course, and to his horror, the sounds, were unmistakeably, Aragorn and Arwen drunk and making out.  
  
He ran to his room and banged the door closed. He cried and wailed like a girl. He ran to the bathroom and barfed. ~Why?Why?!!I told myself!!So many times!! It's over!!Waaa!!But! *sniff sniff* I can't get over it!!~  
  
TBC!!!  
  
Author: Hahaha..Okay..I want this fic to be humorous, but I admit, the first chap isn't wildly funny, because I can't fit in my jokes YET. Please READ&REVIEW!! 


	2. Fucked up Drunk

Author: Hahaha...I currently have absolutely NO IDEA about HOW I'm gonna write the next chapters of SOUL but rest ASSured I am not going to 'abandon' it. Phew..now that's out..This is a humour fic where I make fun, it's my own parody of the famous ~MPREG~..  
  
*To those who have written any mpregs this fic is purely a parody and I'm not aiming at anyone of the fics or anyone's fics I have read at all. I'm sure many have read 'Anestel' right? Wow that one is nice..Kapeesh? Oh yes, just to let you know, I don't really care if the curses and cusses I wrote in are modern, but this is just humour.*  
Chapter 2- Fucked up Drunk  
Legolas wailed. Life was extremely unfair. His tears ran down his smooth cheeks, but he did not hide it well enough, because Elrond had caught a glimpse of them.  
Not much longer when he reached his room, he heard, a HUGE, LOUD and ANGRY ROAR. "VALAR!!!". It was so booming loud that just about anyone in the palace could hear it. Legolas stopped crying. A huge grin tugged at his lips. He heard two synchronised voices scream. "ADA!!!!"  
"Mwuahahahaha..serves you right you bitches!!!" he laughed evilly to himself, but laughed to hard and out came yesterday's booze.  
Elrond believed, that Estel was to be King, before he could wed his lovely daughter. But he wasn't King YET. Elrond would not have them marry until he became King. So...too bad for the horny bastards.  
"I'm ashamed of you two! You are yet to be wed and! and..and!!" he could say no more. His brows WERE vertical. He rubbed his poor temples. Eurghh...Just the thought, of his OWN children, SHAGGIN?!!! So what if Estel was adopted. *shudders* "And probably the WHOLE fucking forest of Mirkwood is going to know!*" he bellowed. He sighed heavily. He fought the urge to puke, gave them a death glare, and went out of the room.  
[*They are in Mirkwood, because 'twas Legolas who represented the elves. OK, cut the bullcrap, Thranduil just didn't want stoopid Elrond, and dumb blondes Galadriel and Celeborn too bask in glory. Hmph. Stupid *fat elf Haldir! Who does he think he is?! Me an' me son are da sexy elves, notchoo!!!*]  
Legolas laughed evilly once again. He stumbled infront of the mirror and looked at himself. His bloody hair was in a mess again and he still felt nauseus. He stripped of his clothes, he suddenly felt extremely hot and uncomfortable. He entered his bathroom and filled the bath with water and liquid soap. Once it was filled, he sank into the enticing water water, and felt his muscles relax. The calm and soft scent of the bath soapcalmed the waves of nausea. He took a deep breath and sank in deeper, till the water reached below his eyes. ~Why is this happening to me? Why?!~  
* " I love you." Those words echoed in my head then, and it still does even now. At that time..I really believed it. "I love you" really meant I love you. "Amin mella le" meant Amin mella le. But now, let me think back.."I love you", merely means, "I wanna fuck you", nothing else. I was such a fool, and I am still. Those days, we 'made love', he was just ridding me like a horse of Rohan. Then it came, those words, words of parting. "It wasn't meant to be."  
He was to wed the lovely Evenstar. Stupid bastard!*  
Legolas realised the need for air, and he oushed himself up and gasped for air. He heaved heavily, and rested his hand on his stomach. He immediately jumped up in shock, like someone shoved an arrow up his arse. He climbed out of the tub in a rush, ans slipped, flat on the face. "Oomph!...Shit!". He got back up and rubbed his poor forehead.  
He stared at himself in his full length mirror. He traced his fingers up and down his stomach. His breath became shallow. He clutched his chest, it started to ache.  
He staggered towards his 'secret stash', and pulled out a bottle of wine. He didn't give a fuck whether he was nakeed. He popped it open, and chugged down the bittersweet contents.  
~TBC!!~  
  
Author: Ahh...finally had some time to post this up. Sorry for the wait. I love this fic too much so don't worry about reading a fic that is good for first chaps then is abandoned. Anyways, please review! It IS VERY, VERY, SIMPLE. Just click that button below, and say what you wanna!!! TTFN, tata for now! BTW, wassup with the format of the fics?! Everytime I upload something, the paragraphs get crammed together! 


	3. Flight of the Bawling Prince

A/N:Hey there, it's been a while.Sheesh!Never knew it was so hard to be cured of author's block!  
  
Chapter 3- Drunk,Emotional.Get your bloody hands of me Belly!!!!!  
  
Alright. Now, there were shards of glass all over the floor, and the floor was stained with spiced wine. Legolas was sprawled on his back on his bed, sighing, and ran his hand through his hair. He stared into the ceiling. Naked,drunk and depressed. Suddenly a knock on the door was heard.He didn't even budge.  
  
"Legolas?Are you in there?You're ada is wondering where his dear son was..". An elf the same age as Legolas came in. She didn't have to take long to find her best friend. She sighed. "Legolas...what happened?Look at ya..."she bent down to pick up the shards. She turned her head to face her nude friend. "Come on now..."she stood up and got a towel robe. She pulled him to sit up[with a LOT of effort] and she draped the robe on his shoulders. She kissed his brow. "Come on honey..you can tell me anything.As always..."she looked sadly at him.   
  
Legolas stared, then finally, he was able to respond. "Ireth..I..I.."he took shook his head. "I'll tell you later, alright?I think I'd better go and have breakfast now.."he smiled weakly. Ireth immediately opened his wardrobe and picked out some simple clothes. He changed quickly without even bothering to turn around. Ireth was used to this, eventhough she had no romantic feelings for him, she was his best friend after all.   
  
"Go on now.." she ushered, and pushed him out the door. They walked down to the dining hall, and she said "Alright, I'll be off now, don't wanna..."she was cut off by Thranduil's handsome voice. "Ah..Legolas..and Ireth!What a pleasant surprise. Come join us for morning meal.."he smiled. *No way I can worm my way out of this!* Ireth said to herself. She smiled back and curtsied, and followed them to the table. She wasn't exactly unfamiliar, but she thought that they would want to have a 'talk'. But, what the heck. They sat down, and maids already came in and out and brought delicious food to the table. *Ha..this isn't too bad..* Ireth grinned to herself. Legolas helped himself to apple juice.  
  
"So then..how are you Ireth?Everything alright with the ladies of your household?" Thranduil asked. "Oh!Fine, thank you for your concern. Mam' and big sis are fine and dandy, and Gran is kicking!" she chirped. Ireth was quite unusual actually, she had a rather 'weird' accent. Her manner of speaking, as Legolas put it, was like a hobbit. Many elves were bewildered at this, but got used to it. Thranduil smiled. Legolas was silent all throughout breakfast. He only replied occasionally, witha 'um' or a 'yes' or a reason why he was quiet. "Tired.Hungry.Mouth's full." Suddenly, Ireth chirped. "Oh!My sister is with child! Found out only a week ago, she's been pregnant for about a month now.." she beamed. Before Thranduil could congratulate her, Legolas burst out in tears.  
  
"Lasse?What's the matter?Son?!" Thranduil held his son's shoulders. "sniff....sniff...the..the...app..Ai!!!Sweet ELBERETH!!!Juice of apples are so SWEET!YET THEY ARE PLUCKED OFF THE TREES AND EATEN ALIVE!!!!AND DRIED OF THEIR ESSENCE!!!!!BELLY OF MINE, WHY DO YOU SWELL??!!!"he bawled. Thranduil was confused, bewildered and worried. Then, as if on que, Aragorn and Arwen walked into the dining hall. Legolas lifted his face from his hands, and saw Aragorn.*Oh no! Legolas is still tipsy!What is he going ta do next?!*Ireth thought. He suddenly stood up, and walked towards Aragorn. With tears in his eyes, he smacked his ex-lover's face, and ran off.  
  
~TBC~  
  
A/N: So..how was it? Care to tell me by reviewing?Bless you if you do. 


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